| Lost in Suburbia |
| | What to do when your ‘do’ is a don’t
09/24/2008
When you have short hair, it is inevitable that you will spend an inordinate amount of time growing your hair out, and then getting fed up and cutting it again.
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| | The real biggest loser
09/17/2008
We have a tradition that at the end of every summer, we spend a week vacation with our extended family.
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| | Larry, Larry, quite contrary
09/10/2008
The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent... except for anyone named Larry.
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| | I shop, therefore, I spend
09/03/2008
I love to shop. I am a world-class shopper. If there were an Olympic event for shopping, I would be like the Michael Phelps of the mall. I can sprint shop, endurance shop, and marathon shop. In the shopping decathlon, I reign supreme.
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| | The mouse is in the house
08/27/2008
Tracy's husband borrows her car and catches her listening to Radio Disney.
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| | Attention all catalog shoppers
08/20/2008
Back in my early days of suburbia, I received one or two catalogs in the mail, and that was about it. However, catalogs, I soon learned, are like rabbits, and tend to multiply if left unattended.
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| | What’s red and white and black all over?
08/13/2008
As everyone knows, Kermit the Frog, like most frogs, is a lovely shade of green. His friend Elmo is fire-engine red, and their pal the Cookie Monster is a brilliant blue. Yes, they are three different colors.
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| | Scary movie 3.0
08/06/2008
There were many years when my children were little when we simply did not go to the movies. The movies I wanted to see were too scary for them and the movies they wanted to see were too mind-numbing for me.
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| | Riley The Magnificent
07/30/2008
Not to brag, but our dog Riley is pedigree royalty. Yes, he's like the Prince of Pooches, the Duke of Doggies, the King of Canines... well, you get the idea.
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| | Please read enclosed material carefully
07/23/2008
Dear Customer, Congratulations on your decision to purchase this fine sun protection product! By choosing our sunscreen, you have made a choice to spend a lot of money to protect your skin from sun damage.
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| | Squeaking by in my kitchen
07/16/2008
I am a pretty strong woman. Not strong like, "Look at me lift my weight in Oreo cookies" strong, but strong like brave. It takes a lot to knock me for a loop.
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| | Rip Van doesn't sleep a Winkle
07/09/2008
There was a time when I was a world-class sleeper. I would go to bed at midnight and I wouldn't emerge from my darkened cave of a room until noon the next day. Alarms couldn't wake me up. Bombs couldn't wake me up.
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| | Dude, where's my ranch?
07/02/2008
Here are two things one would not normally put together in the same sentence: Dude Ranch and the Catskills. On the one hand, you have horseback riding and rodeos. On the other, you have bingo and Jackie Mason.
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| | A code mommy in the ER
06/25/2008
Trips to the Emergency room are one of those things that seem to be a parenthood rite of passage.
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| | Indiana Beckerman and the vehicle of doom
06/11/2008
Anyone who is a fan of Indiana Jones knows that Indy has a problem with snakes. Unlike Indy, I do not have a problem with snakes. I even had a snake as a pet, twice.
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| | Another quiet evening in suburbia
06/04/2008
For 13 years we scheduled our entire social life around the availability of the local teenage babysitters. But finally the day arrived when our son was old enough to be responsible for his younger sister for a few hours. We were overjoyed.
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| | My life as a game show
05/28/2008
"Spring has arrived and you know what that means. It's time for everyone's favorite game show, 'Keep or Toss!' I'm your host, Tracy Beckerman and today, my own family will be playing the game. So, Beckermans, are you ready to play?"
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| | Party ’til the dogs come home
05/14/2008
We all gathered around the cake and sang: “… Happy birthday dear Samson, happy birthday to you.”
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| | This column will self-destruct in ten seconds
05/07/2008
I recently had the bad luck to lose my cell phone. Fortunately, this catastrophic turn of events only lasted about half an hour. And while I was exceedingly unhappy for that half hour, I have to admit, it was a really good learning experience.
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| | Birds of a feather…
04/29/2008
“The ducks are back,” my husband told me when I woke up one morning. “And your parents called. They’ll be back up north at the end of May.”
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| | Once upon a sagging mattress
04/23/2008
Tracy and her husband go mattress shopping after she is sucked into her old mattress.
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| | The decaffeination of Ms. Tracy Beckerman
04/16/2008
I love coffee. I have always loved coffee. When I was a kid I would have a big cup of sugared-up coffee every morning with my parents before school.
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| | This toaster oven is, um, toast
04/09/2008
Goldilocks has nothing on me. She couldn?t find a chair that wasn?t too hard or too soft.
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| | That’s the way the Frito crumbles
03/21/2008
There’s something about riding in the car that transforms normal children with average appetites into ravenous, snack-ingesting monsters.
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| | March of the suburban penguins
03/21/2008
I woke up and it was cold. So cold that I could see my breath.
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| | Typhoid Tracy
03/12/2008
After eating my way through four Orlando theme parks in five days, I knew I had put on some serious vacation poundage. By the time we got to Seaworld, I felt like Shamu was family.
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| | All pooped out
02/27/2008
Barely a week after we cleared up a severe case of canine dandruff with our dog, our two other pets decided to revolt.
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| | That little itch should be telling us something
02/20/2008
“Does Head and Shoulders work on dogs?” I asked the guy behind the counter at the pharmacy.
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| | Attack of the heart-shaped chocolate bars
02/13/2008
Under the best of circumstances, I’d sooner have oral surgery than take my kids shopping with me. Around Valentines Day, I’d even go for a root canal.
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| | A walk on the lighter side
01/23/2008
“What do you want for your birthday?” I was asked by some family members in anticipation of the upcoming anniversary of the miracle that was my birth.
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| | Cross my legs and hope to die
01/02/2008
One morning, I had a big cup of coffee as I usually do, and then I got in the car and drove 40 minutes to a clothing store I had been curious to check out.
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