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The real biggest loser
(by Tracy Beckerman - September 17, 2008)
We have a tradition that at the end of every summer, we spend a week vacation with our extended family. We have another tradition that at the end of the week vacation, the whole family is split up into teams and we compete in a contest. The third tradition is that at the end of every contest, every year, I always lose. Miserably.
How big a loser am I? We've been holding these contests for 20 years and I have lost 19 times. I would have lost 20 times, but I wasn't there for the first one. To put it in perspective, I have lost more times than the Pittsburgh Pirates (15 straight division losses), Meryl Streep (12 Oscar nominations), and Freddie Mac (4 quarterly losses).
At least I tied with Susan Lucci.
Of course, it's not like I go planning to lose. I'm actually very competitive and give every contest my all. But for some reason, every team that I am on loses. And since I am the only thing that my teams have in common each year, I have to assume that the reason my teams always lose is me.
Unfortunately, I'm not the only one who has come to this realization. When the teams are announced, everyone glances my way with dread. Then I see their lips moving silently as they look at me and pray, "Please, not my team; please, not my team." They know I am the contest kiss of death. Even the dog doesn't want to be on my team. I can see it in his cruel little canine eyes: If this were "Survivor," he'd be the first one to vote me off the island.
I guess I could understand it if all the contests were sports-themed because I'm not particularly athletic, or if they were mathematical matches or science projects, because I don't quite cut it in those areas either. But I have lost in such easy competitions as sandcastle-building, joke-telling and even rock-stacking. I lost the fishing contest, the hat-decorating contest and the seashell collage contest. And it isn't like I just barely lose. When everyone votes, my team almost always gets no votes. Nothing. Nada. Zippo.
Not that I'm bitter. But being a 19-time loser can definitely start to wear on a girl's self-confidence. I started to second-guess my sand sculptures. Doubted the creativity of my seashell creations. I was a stone's throw from throwing out my stack of stones when it occurred to me that maybe it wasn't me: it was the contests.
Desperate to change my luck, I began thinking about recommending my own competitions for the next year. Maybe the contests were too mundane for me. Maybe I would excel at something more out-of-the-box like hog-tying, cow-tipping, or skunk-wrestling. Perhaps my forte would be chainsaw juggling, a refrigerator carrying race, or a tractor pull. Who knows? I could have a hidden talent for cheese-carving or Jello-snorting.
Maybe if there were a contest that was more suited to my known strengths, then I would win. If we competed in hardcore carpooling, vacuum cleaner relays, or marathon mall outings, I would be a shoe-in. Shopping for school supply races? I'm your gal. Extreme channel surfing? No problem.
Writing ridiculous articles about losing contests?
I win.
To order Tracy's book, "Rebel without a Minivan," go to www.rebelwithoutaminivan.com or Amazon!
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