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Mr. and Mrs. Cat
(by Walt Brown - August 06, 2008)
On July 16 I saw one of those quirky items on the news. You know the kind: just enough information to make you ask, “What the heck?” but more than enough to leave you with some serious questions.
In this case, the nano-second news-byte was that a pair of cats was married in an actual wedding service. Five hundred people attended the event, at a cost of just under $20,000 to those who were throwing the gala, but the fortunate felines received over $60,000 in gifts.
End of story, beginning of questions. One wonders who presided over such an event. Was it a member of the clergy, a civil magistrate, a ship’s captain, or a veterinarian?
Did the cats have to go through the traditional blood tests, or were they simply subjected to a joint worming?
Was a license issued, or were the cats ticketed for not having valid licenses in the first place? Were cat-food cans tied to the bumper of the car that took them on their honeymoon?
Who or what served in the wedding party? In these days of affirmative action and minority outreach, it would have been a very endearing ceremony if a mouse had been the ring-bearer and a parrot sang the wedding song. Perhaps a myna-bird, but singing in a “major” key.
It’s nice to know that in the current days, when the newest “big crime” is the siphoning of gas out of the cars of people who can afford gas, that someone could put up almost $20,000 for the cats to be wed. But who got the $60,000 in gifts, and what would the Internal Revenue Service think of it or do about it? I know that if sixty grand landed on my doorstep, the feds would be right behind it, stretching out in a long “fe-line.”
What did the ceremony entail (no pun intended)? “Do you, Tabby, take Felix to be your lawful-wedded spouse, in hairballs and in health?”
“Meow.”
“And do you, Felix, take Tabby, for Purina or Meow Mix until death or a high-speed auto render you asunder?”
“Meow.”
“By unknown laws vested only in this nuthouse ceremony, I now pronounce you cat and spouse. You may lick the bride’s feet.”
I’ve tried to find out more, without any luck. There are rumors, however, that before the ceremony, the cat that lived in the better surroundings requested the other partner to sign a “pre-nip.”
Only in America
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